Thursday, December 5, 2013

Because Sometimes Folks Just Need to Get Punched: 7 Quick Takes XXXVII




. . . by a Saint

Happy St. Nicholas Day! 


Think Santa is all pipe-smoking and belly-laughs? Think again. Dude totally punched a heretic in the face AT THE COUNCIL OF NICEA!

Seriously, you're going to want to read all about it here: 

When Santa Punched a Heretic in the Face: 13 Memes on St. Nicholas


We put our shoes out Thursday night for St. Nicholas.


I've noticed some concern on facebook about how to deal with the St. Nicholas/December 6th vs Santa Claus/December 25th thing. 


There are of course lots of different ways to do it, but here's what we do: the names St. Nicholas and Santa Claus are interchangeable. After all, one is just a translation of the other. Since Santa is a saint, he lives in Heaven with Jesus, but he has a workshop located at the North Pole, which is where the elves live and work. He comes around for everyone on December 25th, to celebrate Jesus' birthday, but for families who are WAITING and observing advent, he also comes by on December 6th, just for an attaboy. 'Cause he's cool like that.


We put out shoes and the kids get a couple of pieces of candy and a small toy. And this year a book, because our collection needed work.





Speaking of books, we have The Baker's Dozen, which is a great St. Nicholas story (the kindle version is only a penny today!), and The Miracle of St. Nicholas, which is a great story, but not about St. Nicholas, but I always read The Legend of St. Nicholas (available online at St. Nicholas Center) to the kids on St. Nicholas Day, because I love me some old timey kids stories wherein little boys who wander off against the rules get chopped up and put in a barrel. Pay attention children.


Don't worry, there's a happy ending. And if you've ever wondered why St. Nicholas holy cards include three naked little boys in a barrel, this will explain it.








. . . by Pope Francis?


Now I can't say for SURE that he ever punched anyone, but Pope Francis recently revealed that he used to work as a bouncer at a nightclub in Buenos Aires. I did NOT see that coming.

Read the details here: Pope Francis Was A Nightclub Bouncer

First Ashton Kutcher, and that guy from Dirty Jobs, now the Pope, I really love the awareness folks are trying to create among today's youth that they are are not "better" than a particular job.

I also love the manliness of a Pope who used to be a bouncer! How tough do we look now?!


. . . for Christmas


So, this is what the husband is giving the boys for Christmas.

To help with their conflict resolution skills. Can you tell he went to an all boys' school?





. . . by me. While I'm in labor.


Well, not quite, but . . .

I have tried not to write this. I have spent all week trying not to write this. But then I read Micaela's birth story and I MUST WRITE IT. 

It is a MIRACLE that I have never punched a labor and delivery nurse. A MIRACLE I tell you. I have had seven babies in three different hospitals in two states and have only had ONE nurse who didn't deserve a sock in the jaw. 

I honestly believe that you must be a decent and caring person to want to go into nursing at all. And I have encountered plenty of nurses in other settings who seem to have a perfectly human regard for others. But if you put one in the labor and delivery ward she immediately turns into a prison matron. Only meaner.

My labor and delivery nurses have been dismissive and condescending and fear-mongering and bossy. It always takes my OB coming in to overrule them so I can do things like . . . walk around, or drink things, or not drink things.

Then once the baby comes the baby nurse swoops in to bruskly remove the baby from my incompetent arms and detail all the ways that raising babies properly has changed in the last two years, while the other lady jabs repeatedly me in the stomach for my own good.

Imma let you in on a little secret, learned at great personal cost: the answer to the question: "How long did baby nurse?" is: "Fifteen minutes on each side." This is the answer you must give. There are no other acceptable answers. It doesn't matter if you have exclusively breastfed seven babies and feel that what works for you to to let baby nurse to sleep on one side, then switch to the other next time. That is NOT an approved answer. This is a Catholic blog, but if you ever want the baby nurse to leave and let you sleep, YOU MUST LIE. That's all there is to it. She is the Red Queen. All ways are her ways. And if you ever want to get that blood pressure cuff off you better tell her what she wants to hear.



like it? buy it here!

I have had one super sweet labor and delivery nurse, when I had Frankie. I'm pretty sure she was new. I can only imagine she was severely reprimanded for leaving us pretty much to our own devices to have the baby. But we sure did appreciate it.

Anyway, I haven't punched anyone yet, but probably only because the husband knows better than to leave me alone with them.





. . . but they don't because a lot of Argentinan guys' mamas raised them right.


The husband is always telling our boys that you don't punch girls -- even when they deserve it. And boy did these "ladies" deserve it. But apparently not a single one of them got punched.

Or if you prefer a less sarcastic version, try here: 

Violent mob of topless pro-abort feminists attacks praying men defending cathedral





. . . but maybe you've misjudged them?




I've seen you on Facebook, and I know you want to punch anyone who has ever written Xmas. But perhaps you've been too hasty?

An interesting read at Mentalfloss

Lots of people think that the X in Xmas is a secular watering down of the word Christ. You know, a "we love to celebrate the holiday but don’t believe in Jesus" sort of thing. However, that's not the origin of the X.
The X actually comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of Χρήστος. And if that’s all Greek to you, Χρήστος, of course, means Christ.
According to Etymology Online, the abbreviation dates back to 1551, when it appeared as X'temmas. Around 1100, the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle used Xres mæsse, where Xp- or Xr- corresponded to "Chr."
So . . . simma down Facebook. Simma down.




Annnnnnd, I'm all out of 
punching related takes.

Frankly, I think it's pretty remarkable that I came up with six. But here's a funny ecard:




------------------------


p.s. That Christmas Novena Booklet I tried to make for you guys has been punching ME in the face. But I think I finally have it sorted out. (I hope!) Anyway, I put the whole thing into a word document, and made THAT a pdf, and when I print it out on my printer I can select the "booklet" option, and it works. Here's the new one. Please let me know if it's still not working for you and I'll try again.


Here's what it would look like if I were a cupcake and was punching it back:





For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!



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22 comments:

  1. What a fun post!

    I am trying to decide whether or not to stay in hospital for my next birth. I don't have the guts to punch any nurses...plus I can never find them in the hospital! My hospital birth experiences have been really different to yours.

    For my first, I was left to my own. I ran around the ward, roared like a lioness and barely saw a nurse! In fact, I had no idea how to put a nappy on the boy once he arrived and was putting it on back to front for the first few days. Straight after delivery, they stitched me up, put the baby on me and left. And never came back. No matter how many times I rang that bell. And I was so stiff I couldn't get up to go to the loo and was worried I would drop the baby. And boy did I get hungry!

    My second experience was not much better. I arrived to the labour ward to find there was no bed (I delivered my first in a kind of squat on the bed and could not picture any other way of doing it so it kind of threw a spanner in the works for my plan). The bath tub was dirty and my husband had to set about cleaning it (I wanted to bath with my baby after the delivery - we only have a shower at home) while I asked my midwife to find a bed from another ward. The bed arrived a few minutes before I delivered my second boy. I left the hospital shortly after delivering Francis (we didn't even see a paed or doctor!)

    Although my babies were huge (4kg and bigger -- and I am not big lady), I was never offered medication, hooked up to machines or monitored. And let me mention I was privileged enough to be in a private hospital! I think here in South Africa, they just expect all woman to get on with it, give birth and get back to working!

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    1. You've convinced me, I'm coming to stay with you for my next birth!

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    2. Well, I know what country I won't be visiting during any third trimesters . . .

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  2. "Simma down." Amen! haha.
    Way to keep a strong theme! And I totally went to Amazon and bought The Baker's Dozen - thanks for letting us know! :)

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  3. Thank you for admitting that you also tell fibs to L&D nurses, it makes me feel so much better about myself! I always feel so bad telling them lies (and OB nurses in general), but they just stick to their scripts and if you say anything different they will not leave you alone--or at the very least you're in for a long lecture that you know you will ignore anyway...."yes, I'm still taking the horrific prenatal vitamins that make me want to be sick every single day.....no I haven't let even the slightest drop of alcohol pass through my lips....cold lunchmeat? how could you even suggest such a thing?" If I were bolder I'm sure I could just tell them matter-of-factly what I was doing and confidently go on about my business but it's so much easier to tell them what they want to hear so they'll leave me alone........ :)

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  4. Two words: birthing center. No nurses in free standing birth centers. Well technically midwives are nurses but they act different. No breastfeeding lectures. Can leave when you feel comfortable.

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    1. I was thinking how nice the nurses that work with my midwife have been...totally laid back and let me do whatever. Maybe it's the practice that you need to switch?

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    2. I'm sure I'd prefer a birthing center, but last time I looked into it, the closest one to me was at UCLA, and that's a good 30-40 minute drive for me, even when it's not rush hour. And the husband isn't comfortable with home birth. So, unless someone knows of a birthing center in the valley, I think I'm stuck with the hospital . . .

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  5. I would have liked to punch the nurse who was not only annoyingly calm while I was writhing in pain, but then waited until I was in the middle of a doozy of a contraction to ask if I wanted to have my tubes tied while I was there. If I hadn't been mid-contraction, I might have punched her. But the nurse who was there when I actually delivered was the "hug her close and ask her to adopt you" kind of nurse. ;) Every once in a while you get a good one.

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  6. Too tired (sick kids) and laughing too hard to be coherent ( and I might get dragged out of the profession if I condone the lying) but LOVE!!!

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  7. Regarding L&D nurses: midwives, birthing centers, and home births are amazing and really help because I can't stand that sort of craziness and lack of respect/control either. That's my 2 cents! :)

    Sarah

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  8. yes! i learned to lie also about the 15 mins answer... and i have never done 15 mins each side and nursed 7 children. There were a few i wanted to punch...as well as my husband. This sounds so bad but he did once actually say, I wish I could punch them! OH my...well thankfully he didn't--lol (really, he is a nice guy) but during L and D tensions run high when these nebby debbys are bossing everyone around--including husbands....

    Did they just boss you or ever boss husband too ? LOL.

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I delivered in a military hospital that had quite a bit of male nurses in L&D. The one nurse I wanted to punch in the face was male. I had 2 or 3 really really good female nurses, though!

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  10. Coming from a former L&D and postpartum nurse as well as a mother of 5, we all aren't like that.

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  11. We couldn't get any St. Nicholas books from the library in time for today, so thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing the penny ebook and Legend of St. Nicholas. Perfect!

    Glad no one was punched in the making of this post. Or at least I hope not :)

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  12. Hi-lare-ee-yes! I've had 3 hospital births and attended another dozen or so as a doula. There have been a handful of incredibly wonderful nurses, a couple of clueless ones, and another handful of meanies. And I've never punched anyone either! I'm a kill-em-with-kindness-while-I-continue-doing-my-own-thing kinda gal. Although I do not hesitate to go above their heads to the OB if one is being particularly unreasonable. One thing I've learned is that night nurses of all specialties tend to have poorer bedside manner. (I know I'm painting with a broad brush, but that's been my experience.) Since many many babies are born at night... you do the math.

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    1. Awww...My mom was a night nurse for several decades in the surgical intensive care unit. She is one of the best nurses you could ever have (and an awesome mom too!) She just happens to be a night owl and needed the higher pay as a single mom, so night shift it was for many, many years. She still works as a nurse, now evening shift, but there's no one more caring and skilled than my mom! I know you are just speaking from your own experience, and it's too bad that so many night nurses have been more difficult for you!

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  13. Oh, yes, the 15 minutes a side thing. And wake the baby up to nurse every three hours at night. What is up with that? I totally started lying to the nurses with number two. I was stuck in the hospital five days with complications and they were driving me demented.

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  14. I just love your blog, but this is the first time I've commented. I loved this post so much! First of all, the Xmas thing - how many times have I had to explain that to someone, only to get a blank look like they don't believe me? Sigh. Secondly, I absolutely cracked up re: "15 minutes on each side". It wasn't just the postpartum nurses who seemed to require this answer…it was the ped, and just about everyone else who might possibly be expected to know something about breastfeeding and who yet…didn't. Except the lactation consultant I saw. She didn't ask, since she actually DID know something about lactation.
    I only have one child so far (pregnant with #2) but I had a very, very sweet L&D nurse with #1. I suppose that means I'm in for it with this one!

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  15. LOL! I have liked almost all of my L&D nurses (the last one I had had worked in a birthing center for many years before switching back to the hospital) but I also learned about lying about the feeding -- "15 minutes each side, of course!" My babies have always been one-sided nursers, especially once the milk starts coming in, which with the later kids, is fast.

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  16. Oh my world - haha!

    I know this is old, but I just had to chime in on #4 - I really don't like it when I get asked how much the baby ate. How many ounces. "I don't know - I nursed her until she was done." "Yes but how many ounces?" they invariably repeat. I always just tell them 4 ounces. Seems to satisfy them. And no one's called social services on me yet! Success!

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