Wednesday, May 7, 2014

If My Social Media Friends Had to Do This in Real Life, a screenplay in five acts

Haley's brilliant defense of our online community got me to thinking. 

I love my real life friends. I like dinner parties and homeschool parkdays. I like going out for frozen yogurt with a friend.


But I also really, really love my online community. 


I like that I can laugh with them even if they're asleep. In another hemisphere. 


I like that they can ask me a question and then they can go run an errand. And I can answer it while nursing a sad baby. 


I like how I can say, "Hey everybody: read this." And the people who want to do, and the people who don't want to don't. Then we can talk about it. Or not.


It got me thinking.


What would it be like if I had these same interactions with my social media friends, in real life? It might be weird.


If I had things like "Time" or "Resources" or a "SAG" "Card" or "Technological" "KnowHow," this would be an amazing YouTube video. For now, it will have to be a screenplay. I supply the words, you supply the imagination.




ACT I

My kitchen. Me cooking dinner. Look left. Bonnie is sitting cross-legged on my counter.

Me: Hey Bonnie. What music should I listen to while I'm cooking dinner?
Bonnie: Hey Kendra. (She hands me a Hope and Justin Band cd.) You should listen to this.

Music starts playing. I awkwardly bob my head while chopping.

Me: Perfect.
Bonnie: Did you read Kelly's post on Homesteading
Me: I did. It was great. Very funny. Kelly, I liked your post on Homesteading. It was funny. Haley, Mandi, Molly, Christy, Sarah, Abbey, didn't you think Kelly's post on Homesteading was funny?

Haley, Mandi, Molly, Christy, Sarah, Abbey, and Kelly are now sitting on the counter with Bonnie.


All: Yes, it was great. Very funny. Thumbs up.
Me: I should share that one with everyone.

I open window. Lean head out.

Me: <shouting> Hello? Everyone? There's this really funny post about Homesteading to be found at aitch tee tee pee colon backslash backslash double-you double-you double-you dot . . . 

Molly: Kendra?
Me: Just a sec. (holds up finger) <shouting again> This. Ain't. the. Lyceum. but without the apostrophe. Or the spaces. Do you know how to spell "Lyceum"? Maybe I should spell the whole thing. Tee aitch . . . 
Molly: Kendra? Does that ever work?
Me: Work? Um. I don't know. I just think people would like it.

Kelly: (patting my arm) It's okay Kendra. It was a nice thought.

Christy: Is everyone coming over to watch Mad Men?

ACT II

At the dining room table. Food is served. Jim and I are seated. 

Me: (looking under the table) 
<shouting> 
Kiii-iids! Come to diiiiii-nerrrrr! 
<quiet voice>
No, Blythe, seriously. Those pants look great.

Blythe is sitting under the table. Her bathtub is behind her.

Blythe: Really? You think so? They were a good deal.
Me: Hey, if Grace says they're cute. They. Are. Cute.
Blythe: What about the bathtub? It's pretty gross.
Me: I didn't even notice it.
Blythe: You didn't notice it? It's under your table.
Me: Okay, I noticed it. But it didn't BOTHER me.

All the kids have arrived at the table.

The Husband: (raises eyebrow at me) Ready for dinner honey?
Me: Yes. Oh, yes. Sorry. Bye Blythe.

Blythe: See ya.
(Blythe begins dragging tub off screen)

Me: Okay. I'm done. I'm ready. You?
The Husband: Yes.
Me: (raises eyebrow at him)

The Husband shoos under his side of the table and a dozen business men scurry out.

All: In the name of the Father, and of the Son . . .



ACT III

Me sitting in my glider, nursing Lulu. In front of me in my living room are a couple of thousand people.


Me: You guys! Did you read this


I pull a newspaper from behind my back and clear my throat.


<ahem> It's from the New York Times. Please listen and then we will have a discussion after.


(A couple hundred people leave.)


You guu-uys! He says it's OKAY to give everyone trophies. And if we don't it means we only love our kids conditionally!


(Hundreds more people leave.)


Amelia raises her hand. 


Me: Yes, Amelia.

Amelia: I would like to hear it. I think he's probably got a point.

Me: Oh-kay. But first I want to get some of those people back.


<shouting> Frankie! C'mere! 


You guys! Look! It's Frankie! Bobby put Frankie's diaper on backwards! It's backwards! And it's kinda creeping up his buns! Look!


(I hold Frankie aloft. People return dragging their friends along.)


<ahem> Here we go.



ACT IV

I'm in the front of a classroom at The Learning Annex. I am in my jammies. And curlers. That's not accurate, but it's my story. I'm holding Lulu in one arm and a pointer in the other.


Jim is in a rolling chair typing away on his computer at a desk in the corner of the room.


The rest of the children are in sleeping bags on the floor around the edges of the classroom.


On the chalkboard are written large, tidy words.


I whack each one with my pointer as I say it.


Me: <whack> HOW

<whack> TO
<whack> PARENT

Greetings learners. Let's get right to it, shall we? You don't have to agree with me on this, but if you don't, you're probably a big dummy.


The Husband pushes away from his desk, wheels over to me, and whispers something in my ear.


Me: As I was saying, there are many valid ways to approach this issue.


Lulu falls asleep. 


Me: Awesome. Just one minute guys.


(I carefully put her down in the swing, and walk out the door.)

<sound of running water, squeal of a foot against porcelain, sound of bathtub splashes>

Me: (off screen, slightly muffled) Ah, that's better. As I was saying, PARENTING. Sometimes you're going to have to get dirty. Sometimes you're going to have to get totally covered in POOP.


The Husband pushes away from his desk, wheels across the room and out the door I went through.


Me: Okay, okay. Sometimes you're going to have to face CHALLENGING SITUATIONS.


Rosie: (whispering to Meg) I liked it better when she said, "poop."



ACT V

I open the door and exaggerated-tiptoe-creep into Jenna's dark bedroom.


Me: <loud whisper> Jenna? I think if you're having trouble getting your baby to sleep at night, you should try reading THIS BOOK .


(I trip over something, the book goes flying through the air, and hits the lamp, which falls off the side table and crashes noisily to the floor.)


<a baby starts crying>


Jenna and Mr. Call Her Happy sit up and look at me.


Me: Oops. Ha hah. Um. Sorry guys. I'll go.


Just one quick thing. I have the winner of the Mother's Day Giveaway. Do you want me to tell you? No? Okay. That's cool. I could, um, send you a letter or something.


(I head for the door.) I'll go. I'm going.


It's Kaitlin Alfermann though. 


Kaitlin Alfermann won the embroidery hoop necklace. So, you're going to want to, um, get in touch with her. I'll go. Sorry about the lamp. And the baby. Have a, um, a happy Mother's Day . . .


<loud whisper again> Bye.



EPILOGUE

And just so YOU can be as grateful as Jenna that there's social media, here are the rest of the winners.


Bella Studios: annF (Bella Studios: Vintage Miraculous Medal! Beautiful work!)


Mary's Prayers: Ann-Marie Ulczynski (Mary’s Prayers – the St. Joseph Birthstone necklace is really pretty)


My Daily Grace 1: Grace Degen (My Daily Grace is sweet, and not just because we share a name. My favorite has to be the "Mary mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now" but they are all right down my ally to be honest.)


My Daily Grace 2: tessacat (My Daily Grace -- Saint Therese of Lisieux Necklace, because she is my namesake & patron saint)


TTE Designs: Laura (TTEDesigns - Vintage Look Brass Resin Hummingbird Frame Earrings (though the steampunk pendants are also very awesome!))


Always Rosary: Amanda (the Vintage Miraculous Medal necklace and the Silver-Blue Catholic mother's day rosary from Always Rosary)

Please send me an email with your email address to CatholicAllYear @ gmail . com and I will forward it along to the artists so you can get your prize! Or just stop by here in the middle of the night. Whatever.


If you happen to be international, please mention that so I can figure out if the artist can ship to you. I don't want you to be left out. But you might end up with a book instead. It's your own fault for not living in 'Merica, you know.


The Husband pushes away from his desk again, wheels over to me again, and whispers something in my ear...again.


As I was saying, I love [your country] and will try my best.


You have until Friday at 10pm to contact me. Or I'll select another winner.



Speaking of social media friends, some of my blogging friends are also sharing their thoughts on online community and the good side of the internet today. Check it out!



A Knotted Life: THE SHORTCUT TO FRIENDSHIP

SHARE THIS POST - {PINTEREST}

34 comments:

  1. This made me cry tears of laughter.

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  2. Wow! Brilliant! Really, this needs to be on HuffPo or something like that for an even wider audience. What a hilarious way to imagine our bloggy friends' role in our lives.

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  3. Woohoo! Kaitlin Alfermann! I totally know her ;)

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  4. "The Husband shoos under his side of the table and a dozen business men scurry out." ....this made me snort with laughter :)

    And yeah, I'm a big fan of social media, love this post :)

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  5. I'm glad you think I would politely raise my hand, instead of just calling out of turn. :)

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  6. This had me laughing, Kendra. :) Well done!

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  7. This is hilarious and so true, Kendra! "I liked it better when she said 'poop'' literally had me laughing out loud. (And I wonder my my boys laugh at potty humor.) ;-)

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  8. In 2006 I traveled to San Francisco and Boston to meet ladies I know from blogging. Eight years later, they're still dear friends. Every birthday I get a few cards and gifts from blog readers. When I have been through hard times, my online friends were there to help. But it's more than that... I have developed friendships with cousins that I only knew from funerals and the occasional family reunion because we communicate online. People that I am not able to visit with on a daily basis can keep up with what's happening through my blog. I'm mostly disabled - I can only sit, stand and walk for short periods of time. Without social media I would be a very sad and lonely girl! I love this Kendra and it is all so true! *hugs* Heather

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  9. I just laughed through this entire post. So hilarious and fantastic! :)

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  10. I've decided the only way this could be any better is if there was someone dressed up as a Pinterest button who jumps on screen whenever Kendra makes a point or grand announcement. =D

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    1. Also I may or may not have practised my lines last night after reading this....

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    2. That would be a fantastic addition.

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  11. This is great. So true! I love the online community I've found through all sorts of media outlets.

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    1. Come to think of it...I found YOU through Bonnie. I found Bonnie through katie at NFP and me, I can't remember how I found Katie, but I'm pretty sure I found Molly through Sarah at Fumbling Towards Grace. It's just crazy how we find each other!!

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  12. Rosie's comment at the end of Act IV. I laughed out loud.

    Or actually, I laughed out loud silently because I was nursing a sleeping baby.

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  13. That was an epic. I laughed out loud when it got to the part about sneaking into Jenna's bedroom :)

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  14. I think I have mentioned this before, but I will mention it again for the sake of this conversation. I am very thankful that I have access to such a thriving online community of Catholic homeschooling families because there are not many in my area.
    This post is hilarious! Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many of us. Maybe I should refer to you as an online Catholic mama maven!
    :-)

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  15. A cameo! Yes!

    And I really do appreciate that even someone with a real-life community appreciates the online community as well. They fill their own niches - I love my real-life friends, but it's often sooooo hard to get together with them because naptimes always seem to be at odds, and then someone is too pregnant or kids get sick and we're all confined to the house, or something else random comes up... The internet really is easier sometimes!

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  16. This is precious. In fact, you should make it a real video blog thing. With all the cameos and stuff. Just make everyone film themselves doing their little part and then glue all the pieces together into one bit, perfect, hilarious thing, because your screenplay is solid GOLD.

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  17. This Excellent!
    And Yes if Grace says it is cute ~ IT IS CUTE!

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  18. So funny. This is true though. I think we discount our "friends" because many of us have never see each other face to face or heard each other's voices. But that does not change the reality of being in each other's lives. I probably know more about some of my online friends through their own personal blogs or their comments, than I do my internet friends.

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  19. Standing ovation, and "Encore" I say!

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  20. This was amazing! I love the friendship you all have. It really is beautiful and such a gift! And, exciting, as I still consider myself fairly new to the community so am hopeful to make more blog friends as time passes (been blogging for family for the most part but in the past year and some I've started to read more blogs/trying to engage more!).

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  21. I LOVE that I was invited to this video! And yes, that's exactly the role Rosie and I would play :)

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  22. Ooh! My daughters Meg and Rosie were in this! Whispering to each other about poop. Yep. That's them.

    It will not surprise you, therefore, that I was thrilled that my farming neighbor had shoveled a bunch of cow manure over my fence. ::happy sigh::

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  23. This post is brilliant! Seriously Kendra go get a SAG card and out this on the screen because it's that easy right? ;) I completely agree with you about loving the friends you know in real life but also loving the online community of friends just as much!

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  24. So true- can someone bring this to the stage for reals? Brilliant!

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  25. Enjoyed this so much!!! Social media not only connects people who wouldn't otherwise be able to be in contact, but it allows for us busy moms to multi-task!

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  26. Thoroughly thrilled to be making my debut!

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  27. If you can get your community to shoot their videos, I can stich them together with your captions. The world deserves to see this. Excellent. LOL. Love, Daddy

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